Day 12 - Developing My Friendship with God

I am pretty sure God has disposed of ALL my friends and family, and my followers too. I am pretty much on my own these days. It is nice to be able to blame someone, and I understand the 'big guy' has huge shoulders.

I've been doing some crying, and it seems to me the tears fall strait down my cheeks and I certainly don't feel any strong arms around me telling me 'everthing is going to be ok'. I hate being alone, it is my greatest fear, and now it seems to be my reality.

I do have Molly, she is my little doggie, whom I love very much. However, I am supposed to be developing my friendship with God. I am finding that very difficult. "Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you" James 4:8. Easier said than done.

The book (The Purpose Driven Life) says I must choose to be honest with God. So, God, the truth is, I am not really sure how to 'draw close to you'. I suspect, I have taken that step by picking up this book and reading it everyday in order to find my purpose, the purpose you have for me. Yet, this morning, I just did not want to get up and face this world. I have no passion, not for you, or for anyone, or for anything. Not for this book, not for my job, no passion in my life. I feel boxed in, and my greatest desire is to curl up and sleep. My life is just plain hard.

My cell phone got cut off for non-payment the other day. It makes me feel even more cut off from the world, and like a loser of sorts. I have a choice: to pay my rent and eat, or pay my phone and wait for 'no one' to call.

I know I am a bit strapped because I had to rent a place of my own, and fix my car. All my savings are now gone on rent, damage deposits, utilities, and car repair bills. I was hoping for something better, honestly God, I don't understand why you keep me here in this place I detest. If it isn't snowing, it is pouring rain, or so hot and humid and mosquito ridden, that you can't enjoy the sun shine.

I am trying to accept this, mostly because I think it is the only way to survive, but the truth is God, I find it very hard to accept my life the way it is right now. The truth is God, this life of nothingness is 'killing me'. Where is the 'abundant life' you promised? Please help me see it and feel grateful because 'I don't feel grateful for this'!!!

Andrea called me 'angry' I think she is right. I am a bit angry with you for the way my life has turned out. "Help Me" if you won't change my circumstances, 'please, o please, change my heart'.

I must obey you, so, I am off to work, for if I don't work I don't eat. Honestly God, I am not excited about my job. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go! It really isn't about obediance, it is really about fear. That is the truth

Becoming Best Friends with God - Day 11

Well, my travelling buddy didn't last long. She kept picking arguements with me, in fact, she was becoming very difficult to get along with. I suspect she does not want to be accountable, and wants to go back to her old life. She thinks I am an angry person, and she said she can not associate with an angry woman, as per the bible.

I may be angry, but prior to her getting in my car on Sunday morning and wanting to argue, I was feeling rather happy. Anyway she broke off the friendship. It is ok, we have been friends for a long time, and it has happened several times before. I should know better.

Anyway, yesterday's chapter was on Surrender. It is the heart of worship. Surrender is not easy, at least, not for me. I am not sure I even know what it means. It usually makes me feel sad and depressed, however, the truth is I can feel that way on my own. My life, living the way I am living, just is not working. When I think of surrendering, I think of throwing up my hands and giving up.

I feel that way this morning...like giving up. Yes, I give up. I surrender...

I could just stay home and pull my covers over my head and forget the day, that's how I feel, but unfortunately, I have to pay my rent. I am not excited about being homeless.

Well, the job I was planning on doing just cancelled, so, I can stay home and pull my covers over my head. Great! I think it may be time to look for a new job. I am hardly making enough to pay the rent anyway. I fear homelessness is just a pay check away. I suppose I need to surrender that too.

I am rambling, I know. But I am doing the "write thing", I think.

Recently, I had some blood work done, etc. and yesterday the Dr. gave me a "clean bill of health" for which I am thankful. He did say however that my kidney's were not working 100%, but thought it was not something to be concerned with.

I am thankful for that too, but think I should start drinking more water. I have not been doing that lately. He said to cut down on the salt too. I surrender my salt.

So, I suppose since I now have 'no friends or followers', it is ideal that today's chapter is "Becoming Best Friends with God".

Hi God,
I hear you want to be my friend. I suppose if I talk to you outloud in public, people are going to think I have 'fallen off the deep end', however, I do need a friend. Not sure how this will work exactly, but ok.

Back at Square One

So much has happened since Christmas. I ended up getting my job back, and after trying without success to buy a new car, since mine broke down, I ended up fixing my old one and now I am back living in a basement suite, in Canada.

I was supposed to come back and tie up loose ends, and head back to California, however, it just did not work out that way. I am back at square one, with no money saved, even more debt, and I am paying more rent than before, and I only recieved a 50 cent raise at work.

I am also doing the Purpose Driven Life AGAIN. I am at odds with my daughter, and not allowed to see my grandaughter. I am also rather sad, but not depressed, however it is summer.

I moved into my suite June 1st, and already the basement flooded, and the girl upstairs had her boyfriend move in, he smokes, in the house. So, I am in the midst of a financial dilemma, and my situation is becoming quite unhealthy.

I put my back out moving into my place. I had minimal help. However, I am putting all that behind me and moving forward.

I am thinking that life will get better, if I begin doing the things I know I am supposed to do. The most important is obeying that 'still small voice' that I know as God. I really have to listen carefully to hear that voice these days, since there is so much other stuff going on and so many louder voices calling for my attention. For example TV.

I know I have to stop being a couch potato, and stop watching all those shows like Criminal Minds, 48 Hour Mystery, etc. etc. These type of shows always capture my attention, but only result in making me fearful, and a bit cynical.

Actually there are a million changes I need to make, however, I am making "The Purpose Driven Life" a priority. It is my way of trying to 'put God first.'

I am on Chapter 6 today, and this time on my journey, I have a friend travelling with me. My friend is Andrea. In a few minutes we are going to be meeting for breakfast to discuss the chapter. I will be back later on...

The Miracles of Christmas

Since November 23 I have been in Sunny California enjoying spending time with family and old friends. I feel blessed beyond measure. No matter what happens next, I will feel the happiness of these days forever.

Yesterday, I lost my job in Canada. This was totally unexpected since I had made arrangements to have someone else do my jobs for me while I was gone, and there was only about 5 hours a week worth of work for the entire month of December. I suppose I could make all kind of excuses about why it happened, but really I have no one to blame, except myself. Perhaps it was meant to be, and I am beginning to believe all things happen for a reason. However it leaves me with a bit of a dilemma, well actually a huge dilemma since I now have no income.

All morning I have been trying to figure out what to do next. The weird thing is, I feel at peace. I am not stressing nor fretting, at least not yet. Perhaps reality has not set in, or I truly believe God has a better plan for me, than I could even ask for or imagine.