Day 12 - Developing My Friendship with God

I am pretty sure God has disposed of ALL my friends and family, and my followers too. I am pretty much on my own these days. It is nice to be able to blame someone, and I understand the 'big guy' has huge shoulders.

I've been doing some crying, and it seems to me the tears fall strait down my cheeks and I certainly don't feel any strong arms around me telling me 'everthing is going to be ok'. I hate being alone, it is my greatest fear, and now it seems to be my reality.

I do have Molly, she is my little doggie, whom I love very much. However, I am supposed to be developing my friendship with God. I am finding that very difficult. "Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you" James 4:8. Easier said than done.

The book (The Purpose Driven Life) says I must choose to be honest with God. So, God, the truth is, I am not really sure how to 'draw close to you'. I suspect, I have taken that step by picking up this book and reading it everyday in order to find my purpose, the purpose you have for me. Yet, this morning, I just did not want to get up and face this world. I have no passion, not for you, or for anyone, or for anything. Not for this book, not for my job, no passion in my life. I feel boxed in, and my greatest desire is to curl up and sleep. My life is just plain hard.

My cell phone got cut off for non-payment the other day. It makes me feel even more cut off from the world, and like a loser of sorts. I have a choice: to pay my rent and eat, or pay my phone and wait for 'no one' to call.

I know I am a bit strapped because I had to rent a place of my own, and fix my car. All my savings are now gone on rent, damage deposits, utilities, and car repair bills. I was hoping for something better, honestly God, I don't understand why you keep me here in this place I detest. If it isn't snowing, it is pouring rain, or so hot and humid and mosquito ridden, that you can't enjoy the sun shine.

I am trying to accept this, mostly because I think it is the only way to survive, but the truth is God, I find it very hard to accept my life the way it is right now. The truth is God, this life of nothingness is 'killing me'. Where is the 'abundant life' you promised? Please help me see it and feel grateful because 'I don't feel grateful for this'!!!

Andrea called me 'angry' I think she is right. I am a bit angry with you for the way my life has turned out. "Help Me" if you won't change my circumstances, 'please, o please, change my heart'.

I must obey you, so, I am off to work, for if I don't work I don't eat. Honestly God, I am not excited about my job. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go! It really isn't about obediance, it is really about fear. That is the truth